Thoughts please..once again

[johanna]

Okay so here is my gripe. Last night I had a male friend over. My Fiance has known about this friend. I have never lied to him about it, ever. I keep it as honest as can be. This male friend I will admit , (although I am ashamed to say it here on this forum) is an older ...way older man about 30 years older to be exact. Not ashamed of his age just mad I got myself in the situation. I told this friend from the begining I was planning to marry my fiance one day and I want my fiance to be the father of my babies. I have told him so on many many occasions. My fiance knows this too. This older man was just looking for a friend and next thing you know he is paying all my bills, my phone, cable, gas, all of it, except rent. I won't allow that. He has taken very good care of me financially. I have NEVER had sex with this man. I know this may be hard to believe for some people but I have no reason to lie , I 'm honest about everything else. I just keep him company, my fiance knows about this. I have put money on my fiances books with this man's money. I know how wrong this sounds , believe me I do. I know many women on this forum would not agree with my actions and that is okay. I respect everyone's opinion. My fiance was one of those who in the very begining told me I should'' live my life and not wait for him, or put my life onhold'' etc. I like other women thought : '' maybe he doesn't care or love me'' we got over that, I told him I would always be there for him no matter what, To make a long story short, fast forward 4 years later. I have always been faithful , always. I have not had any relationship with any other man physically nor emotionally. Except with this older man, i know in my heart I do not love him. I care for him as a friend because he has provided for me. Me and my Fiance have talked about this. He knows my heart belongs to him and he is my reason for happiness. I regret ever getting into this situation. I come from a background of very hard struggles. I have couch surfed for the last 5, 6 years ,If it wasn't for this man I would be living on the streets. this is not an excuse. I will admit it is my reason for justifying it. My fiance says ''I have to do what I have to do, I can't provide for you just take are of business and don't forget me'' the only thing I have ever lied to him about is the fact that I am now coming to terms that I am somewhat emotionally dependant on this man, for the simple fact that he has been so good to me and I don't see myself being without his financial help not until my fiance get's out. I am really dissapointed in myself. I say to myself'' I would have rather been without because than when it's gone I wont miss it'' I feel guilty , guilty for even entertaining this man's lonleyness. I did write a letter to my fiance , explaining some of my thoughts. So yesterday this man was visiting me when my fiance happened to call. I picked up the call, I wasn't going to ignore the call. I excused myself went to the room and had a brief conversation with him, I say brief because I mentioned to my boyfriend that I had company over and when he asked I told him who it was. Like I said I try to be as honest as I can. He than said to me '' So who cares'' I said ''I'm not telling you so I can get off the phone with you, I just want you to know because I want to be honest.'' he cut me off and said ''yeah well, I'll let you go, go handle business'' I started to say something when I heard the phone call go...click. I 'm not mad at him. I'm confused and frustrated. Why can't he be straight up with me, he should have been from the get go. He tells me he understands, which in part I know it's a lie. No man in prison wants to hear his lady say she is befriending or talking to another man. I just don't appreciate him hanging up the phone on me, I have done it all for my fiance, have been there from the begining. He knows I love him. I know you are all thinking the same thing my sister told me ''what do you expect?''. After the call with my fiance I told this other man who had called, I told him I loved my fiance. I now know that the rules have changed for this man, it's no longer about just a friendship. I honestly feel he throws his money around because deep down inside he knows I do not love him and that by him taking care of me financially maybe one day he will win me over. I know this because when I told him about my fiance's call he said ''Well have Patrick take care of you than, I will put everything in your name, take blah blah blah back, this apartment and blah blah'' and than i started panicking because I know I can't make it on my own and he knows this . I will end up on the streets or going from couch to couch once again and I cannot live like that ever again so I felt I had to lie to him and somewhat just go along with it. Ladies your thoughts please , be honest I want to hear what you all have to say. I've been meaning to talk about this on this forum for some time but have hesitated until now.( sorry this post is so long!

[Silva]

OK, first thing, you cannot change the past.
You have got yourself into a sticky situation with this older guy, and I admire your honesty for admitting that you have become dependent on him even though you have no romantic feelings for him. But I can sense your panic at the thought of him suddenly withdrawing his support, and I understand that too.

I think, however much you believe that you cannot make it on your own, you actually can. It just wont happen overnight. I've done the couch-surfing thing too, so I know how difficult it can be to get yourself stable and in your own place.

Take a look at your life and first of all, see if there are any areas where this older guy's money is used but not really needed. Are you living above your means because you know you have his money to use too? If so, those are are things that need to go right now. Could you move to a slightly cheaper home? Run a slightly smaller car? That kind of thing.

Next, are you hanging on to a lower paid job because you know you also have this guy's money too? If so, start looking for a better job. You deserve to be employed and paid up to your abilities, so dont sell yourself short. Aim high and even if you fall, you may still be higher than where you started from. Can you take on a small part time job as well as your 9-5?

You see, you need to ween yourself off this other guy, not cut the ties straight away. Slowly you need to reduce the amount of time you spend with him, and increase the time you spend on yourself and with other friends.

As for your fiance, honey, it is easy to agree to something you dont like when it's not in your face. He probably hung up on you to stop himself yelling. He did what he thought was best. He might have thought you would never really take up his offer of "taking care of business", even though you've told him about the other guy. Sometimes, being honest hurts.

[johanna]

Thank you for your thoughts. everything you are saying is so true. I KNOW I have to cut my ties with him, slowly like you said. This man has told me that I make him so happy and that he has found true happiness with me because I am such a great person. I guess I just feel sorry for him as well , because i don't want to break his heart. I have talked to him and he has told me that I am not responsible for his happiness. He's also said I am free to go to whoever I love, If I decide to. I guess I am just making excuses when it comes down to it. You are right, I can make it if I really try. Thank you Silva for your words, It is so great to have this forum where I cxan express my thoughts to people who may somewhat understand or at least are in similar situations. I'm glad i have gotten it off my chest.

[livicaraveo]

well i dont have a friend like you but my man lately has been telling me that if i was to cheat on him that he would forgive me and make it work out i dont get it, on minute he tells me that if i cheat on him he will never forgive me and now he is telling me if i do he will forgive i dont understand him. But he gets mad when i dont write him right away, oh and dont get me started with if i dont answer his phone calls he gets real upset, and now out of the blue he tells me that if i cheat on him he wont leave me he it will hurt but he will make it work, i dont understand him at all. and i dont need anyone in my life but him to make me complete i have alot of guys friends and i tell him when i go out which i never do but once in awhile he gets all jealous and tells me that im gonna leave him for that guy which i will never leave him. So i dont understand what his trip is now. so just keep your head up and try your hardest and you will make it just remember we are women and we are strong. but if you need anyone to talk to im here k

[Blu]

Johanna,

You are so right on the money when you say your making excuses why your keeping this man around.

Yes, I understand you have become dependent on him, but think about if he hadn't helped you from the beginning would you still be as close of friends as you are right now, or was it his financially help that kept you hanging on to this relationship, rather being friends or knowing he was trying to win you over, and then from there you started to see the good in this guy.

Rather you want to believe it or not, he has won you over in some way, cause now you feel guilty for maybe being so dependent on him, and him wanting more than you willing to give. You knew in the beginning that you wouldn't be with this man physically or sexually, than you knew exactly the consequences that were to come.

I can relate to what your going through, but I have never relied on a man to take care of me, but some feel the need to shower you with money knowing eventually you will be dependent on them, and that is part of control that take over you.

It's really not a healthy situation at all, cause if he is throwing up in your face about the bills and so on, then he obviously has taken control of your environment, and knowing your not strong enough to do it on your own, he is using this as an advantage to keep you down.

My advice to you, is don't let a man hold you down, get up and do it yourself. What Silva said is exactly what I would do. Manage YOUR responsibilities the best way you can, they are YOUR responsibilities, not his. He may have had this control over them when you allowed it, but take a stand now, and don't depend on his help. Cut off where you know it can be cut. Look for a better job, or pick up a part time job. Do you have kids? If not, you have plenty of time to work an extra job.

I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm telling you this as a strong woman, and I know if there is a will there is a way, and if you continue to make excuses why your keeping this man around, then you obviously are dependent on him, and it's not going to help you get out from under his control, cause yes, he has gained this over you, so make a change now or it want get any better.

Like is aid it's not a good situation at all. Hope this helps...


livicaraveo,

I can't say this for sure, but it may be that your man is trying to see if he can get information from you by saying that he will forgive you, but then again he may feel at times that he is holding you down, which understanding men will begin to feel when incarcerated, and he wants you to enjoy yourself. Are you married? If not, then he shouldn't expect you to NOT go out and enjoy, and he should understand that you will always be there for him, and chances are your not going to sleep around, but unfortunately he is not there with you to know 100% what is going on, so I'm sure lots of tings run through his mind, and his feelings change from day to day.

maybe the times he says he will forgive you, is his way of staying strong, cause he knows he can't be with you right now, so he already convinces his self of the let down if you find another. than the days he says he won't forgive you, are the bad days where his strength isn't there, and it makes him angry to think of you being with another.

My advice is to always be honest, but there are some things better left unsaid. Like going out, I don't tell my man all the details, but I do tell him I enjoyed myself, but I don't tell him that a guy talked to me or even flirted, I keep it at "it was fun." The last thing a man wants to hear is that another man my be in the picture, that is devastating to them if they truly love you.
All they have is their woman to make them happy, and get very territorial when they feel they may be losing them. If you do find another that you may be starting a relationship with, then at some point you have to address it to him, before you don't know how. The sooner the better. Hope this helps..

Blu