We are in this struggle to!!

[vmontelongo1]

IM STRUGGLING TO-- Today is a bad day. I wish i could say i've never had one before, but bad days consume my life. i have no escape from them. Today is a day when i wonder....where is the support for me in this struggle? When a man asks a woman to wait for him while he's in prison, does he realize what an incredible emotional sacrifice it is? does he realize the pain and never-ending loneliness that attaches itself to her heart and soul? does he realize that yes we are in this struggle too? When i made this choice to do this bid with my man i didnt know what it would mean to consciously hand over the control and happiness of my life....not to my man, but to an institution. From the very begginning, my man told me that i had the power in this relationship because i was the one who was free. How am i free? what power do i have? I buy my clothes according to what is acceptable for visits. At anytime , I can go anywhere my heart desires, but my hearts desire is trapped within that prison compound. So where am i going? I stalk the mailman and wont leave the house until he comes; waiting for a white envelope with that familiar handwriting that has taken the place of hugs and kisses. I check the phone several times a day to make sure its working, waiting to hear it ring and see "Inmate Phone" appear on the caller ID, a sight that has taken place of the sound of my doorbell or his car horn. I set my watch according to the clocks in the prison, i schedule my bedtime around "count". No, I don't have any power. The phone company has the power. The prison and the guards have all the power. Today I feel helpless and out of control. Today surely is a bad day, and yes i am sruggling too. Today like most of my bad days that pass, I see a little bit of my life that has slipped away; another memory not made another dream that doesnt come tru. Another day my son and daughter wont know what its like to have a father in their life. One more day my family is seperated. One more day im without a real home. Im so often standing on the line between sanity and insainity, I have to keep telling myself, "He's real, this is real, our love is real, and the end will come." Today when he called i had to fight off the urge to cry out begging him to come home to me. "Please come home. If you really love me, you'd find a way." Today i blame him for keeping us apart. today i am so very angery with him. Today is definately a bad day, and yes im struggling too. A good day can turn bad in the blink of and eye, a tick of the clock, or a beat of my heart. I am on an emotional roller coaster that changes course without warning or consideration for my mental state. It never asks permission. Attacks of loneliness, despair, confusion and frustration hit me and consume me from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and every crevice of my body and in between. some bad days i want to curl up in my bed and sleep. Sleep the days away. sometimes i have to make my heart beat and breath in oxygen. Suicide is never a thought but dying from loneliness is always a possibility. Today i have no answers that make sense to me for the thousands of questions running through my head. My mind is cluttered with doubts and confusion and this makes my heart heavy with guilt and shame how could i question the one real joy i have in my life? There are so many people who are lonely; without love and passion in their lives, so as difficult as this ordeal is i know that what he and i share is the most precious of all gifts, but today how can i not remember all the unconditional love,support, and nonjudgment that my man has bestowed upon me. Today how can i not remeber that my man is the only one who really understands me and accept me, and the good and the bad. Today how can i not rember all the desire and pasion that my man has brought out of me. Today how can i not remember that he plays no games, tells no lies and wears our love like a badge of honor. today is obviously a bad day, and yes iam struggling too. While i woudnt change one second, erase one tear, or forget any heartache, i can truly understand why a woman woud choose not to wait. the reality is that i am in prison too. i am also doing time and the only thing i am guilty of is being in love with my man. For every one of us who stands by our man, that can endure the bad days and savor the good,there are many who cant. many just dont even try. To the men whose women have chosen to move on, you must always remember that there are alwyas two sides to every story. Your women might not tell you whats in their hearts, but if you listen hard enough you can hear them. you can hear their confusion and their fear of pleading with you to understand, to forgive, to accept and to remember....
Not every women is strong enough to endure the bad days that the struggle brings. Thank god, Im strong enough!! I love you baby!!

[livetru9virtues]

By the time i got thru this i was crying. I too have those days. Sometimes they are back to back.

[vmontelongo1]

I posted this because people really dont think about how exactly what its like for the wives and family of inmates, it seems as they just look at inmates for what they have done and not look into their lives a little deeper and see what kind of people they really are and the family they have at home missing them, they arent the only ones who are in prison, the closest to them are to. it makes me feel good knowing something i write can touch another person who are going through these hard times as well. i gotta remind myself that im not the only one.

[tamy]

wow...real awesome post thank you...