new to all this

[lockedinlove]

My boyfriend just went in Dec.1. He will be gone for 5yrs. What a whirlwind of emotions. Should I stay or should I go. I'm staying for now but I just keep saying I don't know what the future will bring. He wants me to live my life. He knows how this world is full of temptations and I'm a good catch. .At the same time I know he loves me very much and say's he is coming for me when he gets out. We would still be together if this didn"t happen. I do love him. I have told no one in fear of judgment and for when he gets out I don't want people to judge him or me if I'm still with him. I see some of u r married and I understand why u stay especially with children. But I feel I'm a crazy women for staying. I'm 43 and still have lots of living to do and sharing it with someone. I feel like I need to stay to be his support. I want to help him. Maybe thats my weakness. I'm a rescuer I fear what he will be like when he gets out. Maybe I will wait then not like what I see. I will hate myself for not living life. I love to have a man in my life to share life with. As u see I'm all over the place.

[Marc's Queen]

Lockedinlove, my husband has been incarcerated for almost 10 years. When he went in I was told not to wait on him, but to live my life as we didn't know how long he would get or when he would get out. I did just that. I lived my life. I got married, had 2 beautiful little girls, became a widow and have had a couple other relationships. Like you, I loved to have a man in my life. I stayed in constant contact with my husband as a friend and support. After the last relationship went south and I took time for myself, I realized that all the relationships I had been in were nothing but substitutes for what I really wanted. In wanted a man that accepted me for me, one that loved me unconditionally. It took me 7 1/2 years to realize that I had had that all along. Yes, he is locked up and we don't know when he will make parole but nobody compared to him or could hold a candle to him. We have been back to being a couple for almost 2 years now and been married for 17 months. Do I miss having a man around every day? You bet! But in the long run, the waiting will all be worth it. I believe we have learned more about each other and ourselves as a result of the past 9 1/2 years and know that our relationship is not based on sexual relations but on personality and who the other really is. Five years may seem like a long time. But who's to say he will do the full 5 years and even if he does, it will be over before you know it. For me it seems like only yesterday that I expressed my true feelings and told hubby that I wanted to be there for him as more than just friends and no way does it seem like we have been married for almost 1 1/2 years. Of course the decision is yours to stay or go, nobody can make that decision for you. If it was me and we loved each other, I would rather stay and see what happens than to leave and go through life wondering what if. I think at times we all feel crazy for staying. I can understand the not telling people. It took me a while to tell my family and I still have not told my late husbands family. My family accepts it and just wants me to be happy. The late husbands family will have fits when they find out and probably never accept it, but that will be their lose not mine. I only maintain things right now for the sake of my girls. I wish you the best in your decision. Do what you feel is best for you.

Here is a post that may help you in your decision. It talks about how we are in this struggle along side our husbands, boyfriends, etc.

http://prisonpaper.com/forums/showthread.php?t=89

[Silva]

Lockedinlove, Orenda has said it all really. We all have different kinds of relationships with our loved ones inside, but no one really "stops living".

My husband has been in for 5 1/2 years, with anywhere between 15 and 35 to go. He is 50 and I am 40, and although I knew him before his crime it was only briefly. We've been married for just over 3 years. Add to that that fact that I live in the UK and he is in TX, so we do not have phone calls and only get to see each other a couple of times a year.

You can still do all the things you want to do while having your guy in prison. It just means you'll be doing it on one salary. Whether you have kids or not will dictate to a certain extent what you can do; Orenda has young girls, Hubby and I have older children separately and a grandson together. But life is not going to stop for anyone.

As long as you are honest with each other and do not commit to more than you feel comfortable with, you make your own rules to fit your own relationship. Who cares what anyone else might think? You are judged every day by people you know and strangers, on what you wear, what you eat, how you talk etc, you cannot avoid it, so embrace it. Everyone who knows me, knows where my husband is. If I need to drop everything and fly over to TX, I need my employers to understand why without me having to explain it all right then and there!

Talk to each other. That's the only way to work out what is going to be doable for you both.

[Blu]

WOW!!! Sounds like your in the same exact boat I am, and yes at times, I doubt if I really can be the supportive one in his life, since we really didn't know each other that well before he got locked up, but since he has been locked up {almost 3 years} we have gotten really close through our letters, but I have lots of doubts if he will be with me if he was in the FREE world. Why you ask? Well he was the playing type, and I can't say that I wasn't along for the ride as well, but since he's been locked up, we have gotten to know each other really well, but that doesn't mean that we could have a relationship when he is out, at least as lovers. I tell him I can only remain friends through it all, but not much of anything else, but I know he gets lonely, and I'm sure I'm on his mind alot. I never mislead him about anything, I'm upfront about everything, cause I would hate to think he's holding on to me as if we will be together once he's out, but unfortunately I'm all he has to keep his happy at times, so I try to give him LOVE and compassion, but without taking it to far. I do fantasies that we could be a couple once he gets out, but I can't see that happening right now. I want him to prove his man hood first, and make sure he's done with all the bullshit he was living before he got locked up, and I won't know this until he's out and begins to establish him self as a productive citizen. I care and maybe you can say love him alot, and he is always on my mind, but I can't give him 100% until I really know where his heart is. Yes his words make me feel like a real woman, and it's good to hear a man say good things about you, and it's nice to know you are loved, but I can't go off words alone, or I may be in for a big disappointment. Once he's out, and I'm worth him protesting his LOVE for, then at that time will I believe him 100%, but for now I can only enjoy what we have in our letters, and not wish for anymore. I do believe his has love for me, but not sure if he really LOVES me, that time will come once we have physical time spent together.
On another note, I have no problem getting men, but I don't want that in my life. I want a REAL man that can bring to the table all I have to offer, and meet me halfway. I sometimes wonder if the guy I'm writing thinks why I hold on to him, and the fact is he is a friend and I like what he is about, but that doesn't mean I'm waiting for him, it's just right now he is what makes me happy, and I will continue to write him even if I move on with my life, cause that's what real friends do.
Hope this helps, but there is no easy answer, that's for sure....Blu